Melancholy: The End of The New Journey

Courtesy of Photobucket.com

I have blogged about this new journey of mine a couple of weeks ago. It's about my kept love and admiration for someone, an office mate of mine. I have mentioned that I am burying my feelings for him on that blog. But apparently, R will remain in me, till now. We have a casual relationship. We are not boyfriends, we never talk about being one. We joked about it though, coz like what I said, he's the boy next door type and all gays, bisexuals, and girls alike have a feeling of crush for him. So I really showed to them that I was the first to notice him. So somehow, the "owner" of him. Crazy me, huh? Lol. So in the office, when they say R, they also mean me. So no one dared go near him if I am present. No joke. Lol. And R's not offended by it, and he seems enjoying the attention given him. Which I would kid him saying "Hey, don't be flattered!" or "Don't let it go to your head, you fool." And he'll just coo around. Hehehe. But like what I revealed then, he is committed and have a GF. That's why I guarded my feelings as well because of that.

Then something which I did became the turning point of this good relationship, or so I thought. (It's not what you're thinking!)

OK, here's what happened.

Their team had a team breakfast at one of the hotels here in Naga City. So their Supervisor, Niña, showed me pictures and told me stories like they had breakfast there. So that night before going to the office, I dialed his number, which he accidentally answered. I ended it of course worried that his girl might be beside or near him. Then he sent me a text message.

R: Why did you call?

I: I did not call you. That was supposed to be a missed call. Hey, you did something again while I was away from the office huh.

R: Huh? What was it?

I: Moraville huh. (That was the name of the hotel where they had their team breakfast.)

R: What about Moraville?

Holy cow! That's when I realized and became suspicious that it could be his girl who was texting me all along. So I immediately and casually replied:

I: Nothing! I was just kidding. You have a shift tonight? What time are you going to the office?

Then there was no reply for like 5-7 minutes. Then the next replies sent my head reeling to the ceiling!

R: (This time the real him.) Shit man! Al, you explain what you've texted! V (the GF's initials) was so angry with me again. Will you please stop it? Stop texting me, OK?! Please?!

I wasn't able to reply to his message immediately. I was lost for words. My heart's thumping inside my chest. And I was looking after my Uncle's internet cafe. He texted me again.

R: Shit man. You explain your text message. Please?

I: Sorry, I went out. (A lame excuse.)

A couple of minutes later:

I: I said I was just kidding if you will read my text message. Tell your girl to stop jumping into childish conclusions. (I did not say sorry or betrayed myself that I was.)

No more reply.

What a night! immediately I contacted Mommy Holie, my best friend, mother, name it. I told her what happened. And she made me feel worse for telling me before my face the truth I dared not accept: That I was the culprit and I messed up and I was wrong.

R and I were to see each other later that night at the office. So I intentionally arrived just a few minutes before the shuttle arrival at the plaza to take us to the site. He was already there when I arrived. I sat down on the other end of the bench with a palm tree hiding me from his view and him to me. I dared not to show myself to him! I was so ashamed and so damned guilty. I was playing it over my mind the whole time what his reaction might be. Will he punch me? I don't think so, I know he can't punch me :-). So when the shuttle arrived, I realized it was inevitable for us to not to see each other. So I walked behind him. He sat at the back and I sat beside him. Well, the moment he realized I was the one beside him, we were laughing and giggling I believed is the more appropriate term. Yeah, no angry eyes, no mean words. The only thing I was able to say was, "I am sorry..." Then I explained myself. That I told his girl that I was just kidding. The problem was that he did not tell her girl about the team breakfast that they had at the Moraville hotel. So when her girl read my text, she immediately thought of him doing something with somebody at the hotel. Well he has a long history of infidelity and was caught red handed before so no wonder that her girl will immediately think of something else. I can't blame her I realized.

R: I have hung the paper already and it was almost dry. Then here you came and poured a pail of water over it.

I: Sorry... OK, so I will not text you anymore. It's your fault as well. If you are a good BF, you know.

R: I am a good BF now. I am trying already. You can as well see that, right? (He is really trying.)

I: Right. What if I send her a text message and explain what happened?

R: Well, never mind. That girl will not listen anyway. But you can try. (Which I never did.)

And we continued our conversation and occasional laugh about what happened. He said he was spanked by his girl not just by the hand but by his cellphone. (I don't know if this is true but such a girl, right?!)

So from that time on, I was banned from texting him. Then a week ago, he asked me to write him his resignation letter which I did. (Can't say no to him. And yeah, you heard it right, he is resigning. As of date that I was writing this blog, he has resigned already from the company not because of what happened bit because he's enrolled and will continue his studies.) A couple of nights ago, he sent me a text message which I read in the morning already because I was asleep when he texted me:

R: Hey Al, you fool. Someone's playing over you. That was my GF's gay cousin. Don't tell that I told you. I read your text messages on their cellphone. Don't text me on my number about me telling you that. Just ride with their trips and pranks and again, don't text me in my number anymore because my GF's thinking of everything. Please.

That was it. And he asked Mommy Holie to text me with the same message. The end of another memorable journey. Ram, you're very right.

The Palmist's Predictions

We have an office mate who has the gift of palmistry. His name is Ram. Some of our office mates began asking him to read their palms and make predictions about their love lives and career paths. So who I joined in the line! OK. So he asked me to open my palms before him. Then it took about 2-3 minutes before he was done reading my palms.

Here is his predictions about my love life:

• you are not lucky with your love life (This means that I will be single for life! This means that I am not meant for someone, true love is nonexistent for me!)
  
• you will find a partner, not true love, outside of our province; outside of the country is a possibility (Yeah, I asked him if this will be for long, but he said that it will be the best for me. Pity me!)
  
• when it comes to love, you are all out on it, you love too much (Which was very true, that is why my boyfriends took advantage of me and my weakness.)
  
• you still has an unfinished business with your last relationship
  
• you haven't moved on from your last relationship
• you still wanted to come back to him

With the last three bullets, those are still very true. I remember one time. I am with Mommy Holie, the most good friend of mine, walking our way from her rented room to the city, when we unexpectedly met him along the way. I immediately felt cold and nervous. My whole soul seems to tremble and that was not missed Mommy Holie. So I told her that that guy was my ex-boyfriend. And she understood. "You haven't really moved on yet. Your hands are trembling!"

And yes, I wanted him back, even if that means, being a mistress. But that I will never do. I will never stoop my level to a mistress. I am too good to be one. But unfortunately, as was predicted of me, I will never find a prince, because there was no one for me!

I as well asked him if will it be worth it coming back to him and he answered that, "It is not. Besides, it is not possible and you will be hurt again."

Career Life:

• I will have to struggle for years before I had a taste of real success. (That's unfair!)

At least this time there is real success. But one good thing that he told me is that, in a month his predictions might change depending on my aura. Well, I better shape up and feel my best always. I don't want to end up being a celibate the rest of my life!

Well, the least I can hope of is that palmists are wrong sometimes!

The Meeting

During the times that we are chatting, he knows that I am doubting him all those times still. Because like what I mentioned, there are a lot of posers here in the Philippines especially in the net, I don't immediately believe someone. Especially in our case when we just met each other on the net, without any idea of who we really are. They can't show their real faces because, let's say, theirs can't be tagged as fair enough. Harhar!

So what he will do to prove that he is not bluffing around, he will show his face in his web cam and tell me that if I want to I can let my office mates see his face. I am particularly close to Mother E., she is the Director of the NGO I am part of. So while we are chatting over YM, she is behind me looking at Y's face in the cam, and the usual, "He's so cute!", and at times read our conversations! So, that was some kind of a turn table for me, and I started to trust him in my own way.

OK. So I decided to finally meet him. Long before, we have plans already how we are going to meet, where I am staying and all those stuff. That happened in the 3rd month of our relationship. I really insisted that I am going to be out of the office for more than two days mainly because I am really meeting him, but I just gave the lame excuse that I am visiting my grandmother who happened to live in the same province where he lives.

The two hour ride in the van seems like forever. I am finally meeting my prince. Or so I think and hope. I sent him text messages hours before that I am on my way and that I will stop over the internet cafe which he looks over for his aunt. I was having a hard time looking for the net cafe because of the many establishments. I was kinda lost, that I went down almost at the end of the city already. And the most fortunate me out of pure instinct boarded down the van and realized I have found it accidentally, because there it was right at the corner! So I sent him a message that I am here. About a minute later, here he went out. Oh! I did almost faint. He was exactly the person he said he was. He gave me his signature tap in the back of my head and that breathtaking smile of his, which causes his Chinese eyes to be smaller! We exchanged "How are you's". If only we can hug each other in public, but the whole city will see us and I don't want to ruin him because he has some kind of a reputation in his place. He led me inside the cafe. I was so shy, maybe more shy than Shiuji. So there we went and because of my shame, I decided to act like going there to access the internet.

That was so lame of me huh. But yeah, I sat down in one of the computers and opened my YM and we began chatting. lol! And to think that he's only inches away! Hahaha! That was really so funny! It took him almost an hour later to really entertain me because he was finishing something. Well, he led me to his aunt's house near the rail road because the original plan of me staying over his best friend's house did not materialize. I am only writing this down here, but I was really quite disappointed with the accommodation at first. Like it was not what I expected of him. I was picturing him as well-off but I realized later on that he is but acts like he's not or maybe some circumstances allow him not to be. In any way, I can't tell him that I do not like the place where I am staying or something like that. Especially that I promised him that I will not be choosy. So I just acted cool and later on learned how to love that simple place and the people inside them. I also met his sisters and brothers, aunts and uncles including his cousins, and of course his very kind best friend, D. I remember him treating me so well. I really can't recall what else happened that afternoon. I decided then to sleep there as well because we have planned that evening long before and have really wanted to discover each other. So came the long awaited night...

He Said His Name Is Yuen

June 12, 2006, the 108th year of the Philippine celebration of independence from the Spaniards after 333 years of colonization. I remember that we have a big mob in the city that day but I decided not to come. I have some paper works that could have been set aside for later, but decided to make it as an excuse so I can stay at the office and chat with the handsome Chinese guy I just met over the internet.

I am an activist, and I was very busy. My life then was dull. Dull in the sense that I do not experience or do the usual things and gimmicks that my age would usually do, like going out, meeting cute guys. Those were the days. But I enjoy my work. It was more of an advocacy. A pledge to fight for the helpless and the transgressed in any way, fighting for the majority (but the minority in one sense) member of the Philippine society - the workers, the poor, the youth, against the minority of people, from the government, the businessmen, the crocodiles of society as they say; the bourgeois.

When he came to bring life and love into my life.

I met him in one of the Networking sites famous here. Friendster. I was drawn to him at first because of his profile picture which is his lean and chiseled six packed abs, and his cute face, and the eyes. Ah.. I am really attracted to small and sparkling Chinese eyes. Mainly maybe because I have one myself. But mine are sharp, arrogant and unfriendly :-)...

So I added him in my friends' list and he gave me (or maybe I asked for it, can't remember) his YM ID. OK. So that same day, we chatted for the whole day. Yeah, from morning till evening. He was the most wise and full of sense guy I met till this day. We talked about anything, mainly he driving the conversation. I found out that his name is E. T. but he wants to be called Y. He christened me as S. C. S. He said that the meaning of that is "above gold heart". Something that really struck me and my unwary heart. From that day on, I told myself that if given the chance, I will be his hubby. But I am a discreet gay and very reserved. I can't go out there in the streets and act gay. People will not listen to me and moreover, might degrade me for my sexuality. So that came into my system so we chatted for a whole month. He just saw me in my pictures. I on the other hand can see him through his webcam. He did that because I once told him that maybe he's just one of those posers in the net.

OK, so he's real and he's cute and so damn sexy. I found out that he is open to gay relationship, though he categorizes himself as bisexual. He lives two hours by bus from us in the next province. He took up psychology and oriental medicine. He is a wushu black belt, 5th Dan. He is learned in acupressure and tai chi. His level of thinking is very logical and when he utter words, you can't negate. He is almost a perfect being. He only saw me through webcam after a month of us chatting almost everyday, and for long hours as well. We continued as such without the formal word that one is courting the other. I just opened my YM one day and he started calling me "baby". So after about a month and a half, I asked him of what's the real score between us two. And his answer was, "You're my baby and I am your baby."

"So you're my hubby now?" I asked. "Yes." He replied. So after 4 months, I have a hubby again.

We started then planning to meet. The original plan is that I will be the one to go to his place, I would stay in his friend's place and he will introduce me as a cousin. I looked Chinese anyway :-). Well, he's discreet as well as he's a bisexual and the people back in his place didn't know that he's having same sex relationship. We had those plans realized after 3 months. Mainly because I was too busy in those 3 months. Going from one province to another. He knows the nature of my work, but I emphasized to him that it is an advocacy and he respected that and we never talked about that when we're together later on. Only at times though :-). We still chatted for almost everyday, but there are times that I don't even have the time.

And during those times that we were not able to chat, sometimes after 3 days, I would feel so down, without fuel to do the things that need to be worked out for the week. I felt so heavy inside to the point that I would give way to tears. I would then tell Yuen once we had the chance. And in fairness with him, he would console me.

"Let nothing bother you my baby, because I think of no one but you." He would say.

That will fuel me up for the next days. I felt so great a love for him. And so one day, after 3 months and just finished the International Youth Solidarity Mission we've organized along with the World Student Christian Movement, I decided to finally go to his place. Very nervous, doing this just twice in my whole life, like meeting another guy whom I have loved 3 months since... It was a turning point in my life.

Sorry! I Love You - Park Hyo Shin


Till my memory and thoughts come rushing down to my fingertips.

A New Journey

A new Journey indeed. After my break up with my boyfriend 14 months ago, I told myself that I will stop falling in love with undeserving people. I even resolved to myself that I will NEVER fall for someone again. But I know myself better than that, that I will, sooner or later, fall in love again! And alas! Here comes that time!

R, the Samurai R.
This was made by his team mate, J.J.

We met in the call center we're both working at. The first time I saw him, I was already in the bus allotted for us by the company to bring us to the site, he was still sitting in the chair waiting for the other bus, because ours was already full. His hair, his eyes, and physique has really drawn me to him. After that, well, I said to myself, "Come on Al. stop the dreaming thing again."

So I settled on my seat. My feeling so down and heavy. About two weeks later...

OMG!!! He was assigned to our account! Hurrah! That means that I will be seeing him everyday! Hurrah of all Hurrahs! One more thing that really made me very happy is that I will be able to introduce myself and interact with him as I am already a support staff in our account. I'm already an acting Subject Matter Expert in our team. I'm taking supervisor calls as well. So I can always go to his station anytime I want!

I had friends who know him and so I've asked them his name and what they know about him. His name's initial is R. His built is attractive. He has kind of Chinese eyes, and EMO hair tied at the back or sometimes, all loose. Quite rugged I would say. But very much attractive, at least to me. I've learned that he has a girlfriend and they're living together in an apartment. That did not discouraged me. LOL. I just want to be friends with him, that's all...!

So that's what happened. We became close, though I made sure that I won't show my real feelings for him. So we became like fake lovers. One good thing about him is that he rides along with my jokes. He'll act like my real boyfriend! LOL!!!!!!!!! He will hold my hand whenever he's saying something to me. To add, he will look directly into my eyes with those looks that melt my soul. Whenever I saw him talking to a girl outside the production floor I will confront him inside. And he will say things like, "Al, it's not what you're thinking." or, "We're just friends." Much to his colleague's amusement. They would even ask me if we really have a relationship, and I would say NO!, because there's really none.

Then came Sherwin's (my manager) intervention. He maybe have seen the closeness that we have and felt that I may be falling for him already and that's when he came to the rescue. FYI. He's very much like a father to me, and not just a manager. I really have very high regards and respect for him. And I believe that he too genuinely cares for me as well as to my colleagues. He would mandate me not to go to his bay EVER. So for like almost 2 months I can no longer go to their bay. So we resorted to jabbering each other. As usual, there goes the natural flirts and all. LOL.

One of our conversations are below (conversation in parenthesis is the translation to English):

12:44PM R: r u still mad at me?
01:25PM Albert: I don't want that we'll part ways with bad feelings. Maybe on my part only. But the only thing for me is that I hate to think that I'm imagining you telling A whatever you could have told her about me. But I don't care, as long as I don't know about it. Better not let it be known to me coz I will not be affected. I just hate knowing people nagging me at my back. I feel sick and deadly.
01:25PM Albert: But let's just forget those things. They're nothing to me now.
01:25PM Albert: I hope it would be same to you.
01:26PM R: yeah
01:26PM R: anu man sasabhun ko ki A?? (what will I tell A??)
01:27PM R: eh aram nya man kya na nagjjoke joke kta (when she knew that we are like just joking around)
01:27PM R: kya nagjjoke man xa sako (that's why she said that joke to me)
01:27PM R: mayo man po to (that's nothing)
01:27PM R: sorry
01:29PM Albert: To be honest, I don't know. But whatever you say, so be it. I will take it with faith.

[[Note: The "po" word is native to us Filipinos. It is a word added in a statement to mean respect, at times, extreme respect, usually said to elders or when apologizing or sometimes, just added to a statement, again to express respect. It's different from please.]]

That conversation happened after I confronted him about the jabber message from that A girl that goes like this: "So R, you will miss Al then. Hahahaha!"

No kidding. She really have that laughing thing. And it really made me mad. How dare she?! But I'm not that stupid to stoop to her level. So the person I confronted is him. I asked him, why is she saying out those words? What did you tell her that gave her such idea? Questions like that. So for like 3 days, I did not ever say Hi to him, not a single smile. I really snobbed him to the highest level though I really really miss him a lot already. That's when he jabbered me that one above. Right now, we're friends again.

My colleagues will ask me, "What did you see in him, when in fact you're more handsome than him?!", or "What's in him that made you like him?", or even more like, "Do you love R?" The latter, I will not answer. LOL.

I don't know what will happen to us now that we are both transferring to a new account. Only destiny knows what's next. One thing is sure: I love you R. :-)

Fingers crossed.


By the way he has a girlfriend and I think he realized that he loves his girl.
That's why I am burying him and his memories in this blog.
Mi amor por tu R...
...Requiem en Pace.

~~*@*~~

I later on learned Sherwin's real intention why he did that: "I know you have a lot of potentials Al. I want to see you THERE. You have a long way to go, and I know you want to do more. You are destined for greater things. One wise advise, NEVER, EVER, combine both (pertaining to me being too sissy as that results to being disrespected here in our country and my aspirations). Once you have achieved all you wanted to achieve, everything will fall on your lap." Love you Daddy Sherwin!

That's Sherwin, my manager highlighted in blue square, and I was the one at the middle :-),
with my team mates (from left): Sherwin, Mommy Holie, Mandy, Karen, Mel, Yay, Me,
Charity, Dhan, Tin, Jen and Jam. Ping was the one taking the picture.
The Best Team, Team FreeStanding!!!
The Team who beat them all!!!

My Desperation

All i can ask is why? Why? why? and another why? because you know that situation wherein there is this something - sometimes feelings, actions, words, inside you that wanted to come out but it's just that it is so afraid to do so...it is sos hard to express this kind of feeling. i wanted to love...yes, i did fall in love many times already...but all of those loves are forbidden...beyond the scope of consciousness or sanity..something some people call insanity, abnormality, of the devil...just like 'ol times! what i wanted is that someone would love me...that someone is the one i want, not what "it should be" wants...they say that the "it should be" is this: man is for woman and woman is for man...love, where are you?!!! yo gusto amor! donde esta amor?! donde???.......

Realization

There was this man who hurt me sooo much. He made me believe that love is existent. He made me believe that I can be loved and that I can love. Alas! The irony. It hurts a lot that I decided to totally dump every memory that I have about him - things, people, places, events. I thought I had moved on. But i haven't.

I tried to straighten out things with some people whom I have learned to love. But now, upon seeing his happy face, I thought that I should forget about it. Leave it as it is. The ties have been broken, the knots have been loosen. There are no more attachments, no more commitment, nothing, but him and me, without the slash but with the space, no more or. But the songs are still playing, the lyrics are not only sung but recited, the melody still raw and blowing in the wind, tingling my skin. The poems are still being recited, the words being spoken, sweet, caressing, assuring, tempting. A nice experience indeed. Indeed, a nice experience.



That's why I am still holding on to the past, hopeful. Still following from a distance. Hiding behind the shadows, grieving for the loss, but still hoping for hope.