Goal

I will work hard to get you CPMA... 

Discarded Drafts

My ideas came rushing down my fingertips ...
I decided to sleep in their house that day. Actually, we planned that I will sleep there.

Those were the only lines in this post - the first not making any sense :). Supposedly a continuation of previous posts relaying the events that happened with my previous relationship, this has stayed as a draft since 2009. Labeled only as Draft, I have decided the title to have the same label - although I have decided not to discard it. How ironic ***chuckle***.

I have been so young then - much blinded by the idea of 'true love', a novelist's mind's creative hands. So young to even realize that everything's a lie. A neophyte in the arena of bisexuals driven only by lust and lies. But all those were behind me, I have matured, or perhaps evolved and learned how to survive.

That now, I realized further that all this reminiscing is quite pathetic. However, I choose not to delete those previous posts, for posterity. Something to learn from I guess.

The only option left for me as well as for any sane man is to walk forward. And looking for a quote about walking forward, I stumble upon one from Cecelia Ahern:

“Alone or not, you gotta walk forward.”

It has always been true all this time - alone or not. We've started walking forward with lots of love and companions, but in time, we chose a different path where we, more often than not, are left alone. It's human to look for companions but I guess we don't need to look for one, they come and go along the way. What we can just do is to savor every moment when there was that companionship and be thankful for its mere presence, nothing more. So that when we're alone once again, we will continue to walk forward. If your paths converge, and you chose to create a new path where the two of you can travel together, that is a choice worth choosing.

So here I am, walking forward with discarded drafts behind me, to which I should never look back.

David James Archuleta

Video blog – India Trip

Video blog – India Trip

Been Gone Too Long

I guess some people write only when they're sad, or inspired, or let's just say when lonely.

Am I? Which is why I am blogging now?

Ah! I've been gone too long indeed. But it's funny to start off with David Archuleta's video blogs. For some reason, he inspires me in amazing ways. Might be doing it regularly, but I'm not sorry. LOL.

Haven't figured out yet how to post it with the actual videos being shown and not just the link.

Video blog – Snow

Video blog – Snow

Video blog – Happy 2011

Video blog – Happy 2011

What Matters Most

Is love as predictable as the rain?

Akala natin makikilala natin ito kapag nakita natin ito. Minsan, hindi natin alam, natitisod na pala tayo hindi pa natin namamalayang tayo pala'y nagmamahal na.

Magigising ka na lamang isang araw, hindi kumpleto ang araw mo na hindi nakikita ang isang tao. Na kahit magsakripisyo ka ng oras, ng panahon kahit oras na lang na iyong itutulog, OK lang basta't makasama mo lang ang taong iyon. Hindi din ganap ang kasiyahang iyon hangga't hindi mo nauulinig ang malutong na tawa at maaninag ang maamong mukha ng iyong minamahal. At kung paminsan minsa'y ang pagdaop ng inyong mga palad.

Ang bawat sandaling kayo lamang dalawa ang magkasama ay panahong inuukit mo sa iyong memorya. Sinusuong kahit na ang imposible basta't makasama mo lamang siya kahit isang nakaw na gabi. Ang mga lugar na inyong napuntahan ay pilit na binabalik-balikan - sumasakay na mag-uli sa swing sa puno ng mangga, o nagpapalipas ng oras sa parehong bench kung saan kayo sumilong nang umulan nand di ninyo alintana.

Totoo, may mga bagay na masakit tanggapin subalit katotohanan, na minsan ang pagibig ay iisa ang daloy na dinadaluyan. Ang ilog ay bibihirang nagsasalubong. One way ika nga katulad ng mga busy streets. Masakit ngunit kailangang lunukin dahil iyon ang dapat. Bakit mo nga naman ipagsisiksikan ang sarili sa isang salok na puno na?

Sadyang ganyan nga ang buhay at ang buhay ay kailangang magpatuloy. Ang mahalaga, ikaw ay minsan sa iyong buhay ay nagmahal ng tunay. Ang pagibig ay ni minsa'y hindi lumayo, ang tao ang lumalayo sa pagibig. Kaya naman para makalimot, minsan ang paglayo ay dapat at matuwid.

Sabi nga, what matters most is that we love at all. And that love will remain engraven in my heart. Even though we part, as parting is the only way to heal the open wounds that only my heart has, those memories will make the wounds bleed fresh and make me remember once more that sometime, somewhere there was someone to whom this heart has deeply cared for. Wo ai ni. Yo amor usted.

William.♥

A Safer Haven for Bloggers: No More

The Philippines was declared as one of the unsafest place for Journalists since the dawn of Marcos's Martial Law in 1986. The Arroyo government was worse - journalists' blood colors the waters around Malacañang Palace bloody red. The last most inhumane treatment of Journalists was still unsolved as of Press time, referring to the Maguindanao Massacre done in cold blood by the Ampatuans - fed by the bloody hands of Malacañang.

Then the past few days, another alarming case reached my interest through one of the wall posts from Rep. Liza Maza of Gabriela Women's Party-list:Maza raises questions on libel case filed against blogger. The blogger was named Ella who allegedly "exposed and criticized the DSWD’s alleged inability to deliver relief goods to typhoon victims and hoarding of relief items in its warehouses on October 21, 2009 at the height of relief operations for victims of tropical storm Ondoy," quoting Maza's statement on her website.

This fact is alarming. I have been a blogger for quite sometime now and oftentimes speaking my rage, sentiment, opinion on different issues that confront me as a citizen imbued with the right to freedom of speech and expression. To blog and speak against an entity - person or organization, who is known to the public as not different from what you are saying is now a ticket for you to stand before a judge and a court? Well, I don't think Ella is alone in her sentiments, isn't she? It is not only DSWD for chrissake.

Filipinos were never dumb Secretary Cabral. so don't make us one. Rep. Maza was correct - show us the facts and we will decide. But is it worth questioning is the question.

Now, with the new law that they are trying to pass in Congress - the CyberCrime Act, would things be worse than this?

Will there be no more safer haven for even us bloggers?

Out of Inspiration

When writing, I always look for an inspiration to write..

As of now, there is none. I don't know when one may come.. till then

soy un escritor de pluma-menos...

Melancholy: The End of The New Journey

Courtesy of Photobucket.com

I have blogged about this new journey of mine a couple of weeks ago. It's about my kept love and admiration for someone, an office mate of mine. I have mentioned that I am burying my feelings for him on that blog. But apparently, R will remain in me, till now. We have a casual relationship. We are not boyfriends, we never talk about being one. We joked about it though, coz like what I said, he's the boy next door type and all gays, bisexuals, and girls alike have a feeling of crush for him. So I really showed to them that I was the first to notice him. So somehow, the "owner" of him. Crazy me, huh? Lol. So in the office, when they say R, they also mean me. So no one dared go near him if I am present. No joke. Lol. And R's not offended by it, and he seems enjoying the attention given him. Which I would kid him saying "Hey, don't be flattered!" or "Don't let it go to your head, you fool." And he'll just coo around. Hehehe. But like what I revealed then, he is committed and have a GF. That's why I guarded my feelings as well because of that.

Then something which I did became the turning point of this good relationship, or so I thought. (It's not what you're thinking!)

OK, here's what happened.

Their team had a team breakfast at one of the hotels here in Naga City. So their Supervisor, Niña, showed me pictures and told me stories like they had breakfast there. So that night before going to the office, I dialed his number, which he accidentally answered. I ended it of course worried that his girl might be beside or near him. Then he sent me a text message.

R: Why did you call?

I: I did not call you. That was supposed to be a missed call. Hey, you did something again while I was away from the office huh.

R: Huh? What was it?

I: Moraville huh. (That was the name of the hotel where they had their team breakfast.)

R: What about Moraville?

Holy cow! That's when I realized and became suspicious that it could be his girl who was texting me all along. So I immediately and casually replied:

I: Nothing! I was just kidding. You have a shift tonight? What time are you going to the office?

Then there was no reply for like 5-7 minutes. Then the next replies sent my head reeling to the ceiling!

R: (This time the real him.) Shit man! Al, you explain what you've texted! V (the GF's initials) was so angry with me again. Will you please stop it? Stop texting me, OK?! Please?!

I wasn't able to reply to his message immediately. I was lost for words. My heart's thumping inside my chest. And I was looking after my Uncle's internet cafe. He texted me again.

R: Shit man. You explain your text message. Please?

I: Sorry, I went out. (A lame excuse.)

A couple of minutes later:

I: I said I was just kidding if you will read my text message. Tell your girl to stop jumping into childish conclusions. (I did not say sorry or betrayed myself that I was.)

No more reply.

What a night! immediately I contacted Mommy Holie, my best friend, mother, name it. I told her what happened. And she made me feel worse for telling me before my face the truth I dared not accept: That I was the culprit and I messed up and I was wrong.

R and I were to see each other later that night at the office. So I intentionally arrived just a few minutes before the shuttle arrival at the plaza to take us to the site. He was already there when I arrived. I sat down on the other end of the bench with a palm tree hiding me from his view and him to me. I dared not to show myself to him! I was so ashamed and so damned guilty. I was playing it over my mind the whole time what his reaction might be. Will he punch me? I don't think so, I know he can't punch me :-). So when the shuttle arrived, I realized it was inevitable for us to not to see each other. So I walked behind him. He sat at the back and I sat beside him. Well, the moment he realized I was the one beside him, we were laughing and giggling I believed is the more appropriate term. Yeah, no angry eyes, no mean words. The only thing I was able to say was, "I am sorry..." Then I explained myself. That I told his girl that I was just kidding. The problem was that he did not tell her girl about the team breakfast that they had at the Moraville hotel. So when her girl read my text, she immediately thought of him doing something with somebody at the hotel. Well he has a long history of infidelity and was caught red handed before so no wonder that her girl will immediately think of something else. I can't blame her I realized.

R: I have hung the paper already and it was almost dry. Then here you came and poured a pail of water over it.

I: Sorry... OK, so I will not text you anymore. It's your fault as well. If you are a good BF, you know.

R: I am a good BF now. I am trying already. You can as well see that, right? (He is really trying.)

I: Right. What if I send her a text message and explain what happened?

R: Well, never mind. That girl will not listen anyway. But you can try. (Which I never did.)

And we continued our conversation and occasional laugh about what happened. He said he was spanked by his girl not just by the hand but by his cellphone. (I don't know if this is true but such a girl, right?!)

So from that time on, I was banned from texting him. Then a week ago, he asked me to write him his resignation letter which I did. (Can't say no to him. And yeah, you heard it right, he is resigning. As of date that I was writing this blog, he has resigned already from the company not because of what happened bit because he's enrolled and will continue his studies.) A couple of nights ago, he sent me a text message which I read in the morning already because I was asleep when he texted me:

R: Hey Al, you fool. Someone's playing over you. That was my GF's gay cousin. Don't tell that I told you. I read your text messages on their cellphone. Don't text me on my number about me telling you that. Just ride with their trips and pranks and again, don't text me in my number anymore because my GF's thinking of everything. Please.

That was it. And he asked Mommy Holie to text me with the same message. The end of another memorable journey. Ram, you're very right.

The Palmist's Predictions

We have an office mate who has the gift of palmistry. His name is Ram. Some of our office mates began asking him to read their palms and make predictions about their love lives and career paths. So who I joined in the line! OK. So he asked me to open my palms before him. Then it took about 2-3 minutes before he was done reading my palms.

Here is his predictions about my love life:

• you are not lucky with your love life (This means that I will be single for life! This means that I am not meant for someone, true love is nonexistent for me!)
  
• you will find a partner, not true love, outside of our province; outside of the country is a possibility (Yeah, I asked him if this will be for long, but he said that it will be the best for me. Pity me!)
  
• when it comes to love, you are all out on it, you love too much (Which was very true, that is why my boyfriends took advantage of me and my weakness.)
  
• you still has an unfinished business with your last relationship
  
• you haven't moved on from your last relationship
• you still wanted to come back to him

With the last three bullets, those are still very true. I remember one time. I am with Mommy Holie, the most good friend of mine, walking our way from her rented room to the city, when we unexpectedly met him along the way. I immediately felt cold and nervous. My whole soul seems to tremble and that was not missed Mommy Holie. So I told her that that guy was my ex-boyfriend. And she understood. "You haven't really moved on yet. Your hands are trembling!"

And yes, I wanted him back, even if that means, being a mistress. But that I will never do. I will never stoop my level to a mistress. I am too good to be one. But unfortunately, as was predicted of me, I will never find a prince, because there was no one for me!

I as well asked him if will it be worth it coming back to him and he answered that, "It is not. Besides, it is not possible and you will be hurt again."

Career Life:

• I will have to struggle for years before I had a taste of real success. (That's unfair!)

At least this time there is real success. But one good thing that he told me is that, in a month his predictions might change depending on my aura. Well, I better shape up and feel my best always. I don't want to end up being a celibate the rest of my life!

Well, the least I can hope of is that palmists are wrong sometimes!

The Meeting

During the times that we are chatting, he knows that I am doubting him all those times still. Because like what I mentioned, there are a lot of posers here in the Philippines especially in the net, I don't immediately believe someone. Especially in our case when we just met each other on the net, without any idea of who we really are. They can't show their real faces because, let's say, theirs can't be tagged as fair enough. Harhar!

So what he will do to prove that he is not bluffing around, he will show his face in his web cam and tell me that if I want to I can let my office mates see his face. I am particularly close to Mother E., she is the Director of the NGO I am part of. So while we are chatting over YM, she is behind me looking at Y's face in the cam, and the usual, "He's so cute!", and at times read our conversations! So, that was some kind of a turn table for me, and I started to trust him in my own way.

OK. So I decided to finally meet him. Long before, we have plans already how we are going to meet, where I am staying and all those stuff. That happened in the 3rd month of our relationship. I really insisted that I am going to be out of the office for more than two days mainly because I am really meeting him, but I just gave the lame excuse that I am visiting my grandmother who happened to live in the same province where he lives.

The two hour ride in the van seems like forever. I am finally meeting my prince. Or so I think and hope. I sent him text messages hours before that I am on my way and that I will stop over the internet cafe which he looks over for his aunt. I was having a hard time looking for the net cafe because of the many establishments. I was kinda lost, that I went down almost at the end of the city already. And the most fortunate me out of pure instinct boarded down the van and realized I have found it accidentally, because there it was right at the corner! So I sent him a message that I am here. About a minute later, here he went out. Oh! I did almost faint. He was exactly the person he said he was. He gave me his signature tap in the back of my head and that breathtaking smile of his, which causes his Chinese eyes to be smaller! We exchanged "How are you's". If only we can hug each other in public, but the whole city will see us and I don't want to ruin him because he has some kind of a reputation in his place. He led me inside the cafe. I was so shy, maybe more shy than Shiuji. So there we went and because of my shame, I decided to act like going there to access the internet.

That was so lame of me huh. But yeah, I sat down in one of the computers and opened my YM and we began chatting. lol! And to think that he's only inches away! Hahaha! That was really so funny! It took him almost an hour later to really entertain me because he was finishing something. Well, he led me to his aunt's house near the rail road because the original plan of me staying over his best friend's house did not materialize. I am only writing this down here, but I was really quite disappointed with the accommodation at first. Like it was not what I expected of him. I was picturing him as well-off but I realized later on that he is but acts like he's not or maybe some circumstances allow him not to be. In any way, I can't tell him that I do not like the place where I am staying or something like that. Especially that I promised him that I will not be choosy. So I just acted cool and later on learned how to love that simple place and the people inside them. I also met his sisters and brothers, aunts and uncles including his cousins, and of course his very kind best friend, D. I remember him treating me so well. I really can't recall what else happened that afternoon. I decided then to sleep there as well because we have planned that evening long before and have really wanted to discover each other. So came the long awaited night...

He Said His Name Is Yuen

June 12, 2006, the 108th year of the Philippine celebration of independence from the Spaniards after 333 years of colonization. I remember that we have a big mob in the city that day but I decided not to come. I have some paper works that could have been set aside for later, but decided to make it as an excuse so I can stay at the office and chat with the handsome Chinese guy I just met over the internet.

I am an activist, and I was very busy. My life then was dull. Dull in the sense that I do not experience or do the usual things and gimmicks that my age would usually do, like going out, meeting cute guys. Those were the days. But I enjoy my work. It was more of an advocacy. A pledge to fight for the helpless and the transgressed in any way, fighting for the majority (but the minority in one sense) member of the Philippine society - the workers, the poor, the youth, against the minority of people, from the government, the businessmen, the crocodiles of society as they say; the bourgeois.

When he came to bring life and love into my life.

I met him in one of the Networking sites famous here. Friendster. I was drawn to him at first because of his profile picture which is his lean and chiseled six packed abs, and his cute face, and the eyes. Ah.. I am really attracted to small and sparkling Chinese eyes. Mainly maybe because I have one myself. But mine are sharp, arrogant and unfriendly :-)...

So I added him in my friends' list and he gave me (or maybe I asked for it, can't remember) his YM ID. OK. So that same day, we chatted for the whole day. Yeah, from morning till evening. He was the most wise and full of sense guy I met till this day. We talked about anything, mainly he driving the conversation. I found out that his name is E. T. but he wants to be called Y. He christened me as S. C. S. He said that the meaning of that is "above gold heart". Something that really struck me and my unwary heart. From that day on, I told myself that if given the chance, I will be his hubby. But I am a discreet gay and very reserved. I can't go out there in the streets and act gay. People will not listen to me and moreover, might degrade me for my sexuality. So that came into my system so we chatted for a whole month. He just saw me in my pictures. I on the other hand can see him through his webcam. He did that because I once told him that maybe he's just one of those posers in the net.

OK, so he's real and he's cute and so damn sexy. I found out that he is open to gay relationship, though he categorizes himself as bisexual. He lives two hours by bus from us in the next province. He took up psychology and oriental medicine. He is a wushu black belt, 5th Dan. He is learned in acupressure and tai chi. His level of thinking is very logical and when he utter words, you can't negate. He is almost a perfect being. He only saw me through webcam after a month of us chatting almost everyday, and for long hours as well. We continued as such without the formal word that one is courting the other. I just opened my YM one day and he started calling me "baby". So after about a month and a half, I asked him of what's the real score between us two. And his answer was, "You're my baby and I am your baby."

"So you're my hubby now?" I asked. "Yes." He replied. So after 4 months, I have a hubby again.

We started then planning to meet. The original plan is that I will be the one to go to his place, I would stay in his friend's place and he will introduce me as a cousin. I looked Chinese anyway :-). Well, he's discreet as well as he's a bisexual and the people back in his place didn't know that he's having same sex relationship. We had those plans realized after 3 months. Mainly because I was too busy in those 3 months. Going from one province to another. He knows the nature of my work, but I emphasized to him that it is an advocacy and he respected that and we never talked about that when we're together later on. Only at times though :-). We still chatted for almost everyday, but there are times that I don't even have the time.

And during those times that we were not able to chat, sometimes after 3 days, I would feel so down, without fuel to do the things that need to be worked out for the week. I felt so heavy inside to the point that I would give way to tears. I would then tell Yuen once we had the chance. And in fairness with him, he would console me.

"Let nothing bother you my baby, because I think of no one but you." He would say.

That will fuel me up for the next days. I felt so great a love for him. And so one day, after 3 months and just finished the International Youth Solidarity Mission we've organized along with the World Student Christian Movement, I decided to finally go to his place. Very nervous, doing this just twice in my whole life, like meeting another guy whom I have loved 3 months since... It was a turning point in my life.

Sorry! I Love You - Park Hyo Shin


Till my memory and thoughts come rushing down to my fingertips.

My Desperation

All i can ask is why? Why? why? and another why? because you know that situation wherein there is this something - sometimes feelings, actions, words, inside you that wanted to come out but it's just that it is so afraid to do so...it is sos hard to express this kind of feeling. i wanted to love...yes, i did fall in love many times already...but all of those loves are forbidden...beyond the scope of consciousness or sanity..something some people call insanity, abnormality, of the devil...just like 'ol times! what i wanted is that someone would love me...that someone is the one i want, not what "it should be" wants...they say that the "it should be" is this: man is for woman and woman is for man...love, where are you?!!! yo gusto amor! donde esta amor?! donde???.......

Realization

There was this man who hurt me sooo much. He made me believe that love is existent. He made me believe that I can be loved and that I can love. Alas! The irony. It hurts a lot that I decided to totally dump every memory that I have about him - things, people, places, events. I thought I had moved on. But i haven't.

I tried to straighten out things with some people whom I have learned to love. But now, upon seeing his happy face, I thought that I should forget about it. Leave it as it is. The ties have been broken, the knots have been loosen. There are no more attachments, no more commitment, nothing, but him and me, without the slash but with the space, no more or. But the songs are still playing, the lyrics are not only sung but recited, the melody still raw and blowing in the wind, tingling my skin. The poems are still being recited, the words being spoken, sweet, caressing, assuring, tempting. A nice experience indeed. Indeed, a nice experience.



That's why I am still holding on to the past, hopeful. Still following from a distance. Hiding behind the shadows, grieving for the loss, but still hoping for hope.

Song For You

the song says it all...:-((

Friendships Lost (Scars that Can Never Heal)

I see your smile
I know your mind
No words need be said
I understand.

Focused on each other
We listen and we care
Laughter ripples like water
Together, we are.

Others are here, yes,
And we value them, yes,
But a special bond remains,
A line between us two.

Each friendship is special
Each is unique
And so is ours
We know.

And then time begins to roll
and rear it’s ugly head
Change begins
Now a little less than before.

Slowly, surely,
Not knowing why
Faster, stronger, without care
Our world shifts and shimmers and splits.

Shattered shards cascade down
Spurred by angry, lashing words
Contorted faces, stone deaf ears
Outside the whirlwind,
We die inside.

The scars run deep
Jagged clefts in our souls
We have suceeded in hurting
And hurt ourselves.

So you move on
And I remain
We keep on living
Turn our faces apart.

Now I glance across
At you from outside
Shaded eyes dry with tears
New friends, new life.

Laughter, smiling (clenched teeth)
The flippant toss of the head
The enclosure surrounds you
I cannot come near.

From behind my glass window
I know more than those within
I see the hurt in your eyes
I know the pain in your smile
I have been there before - I love you
Why do you pretend?

I hate to see your pain
And I cry inside
Tears deep within my soul
I cannot help you anymore.

What we had once
We can never have again.

The scars run deep,
But I still care.

You were my friend.

The Beginning